There are times when a pastor looks ridiculous for the sake of challenging a widely held belief or practice; not because it violates a biblical mandate, but because it challenges wisdom. I find this especially true when I consider the nature of teenage dating.
As a shepherd and student of Scripture, I get concerned about the exclusive, intense, and all consuming relationships that Christian teens pursue with the opposite sex; especially when the biblical pattern for such relationships is to leave, cleave, and become one flesh (Gen 2:24). When the Bible says to leave, it means to abandon or forsake all others for the sake of another. When it says to cleave, it means to glue or permanently join one’s self to another. Most teens are not in a position where they can or even should leave or cleave. So then, the exclusive, intense, and all consuming nature of teenage dating becomes a faulty experiment with the activities and feelings of one flesh without the principles that make it work.
Because of my engineering background I often look at how things work and the function they serve. As I turn this curiosity toward teenage dating, I often hear people say that it helps develop communication skills between the sexes; it provides relational and even sexual experience that kids can bring into marriage; or it’s just good to have fun without any commitment. While these answers seem to satisfy the world’s curiosity, they have nothing to do with a biblical view of God’s design for men and women – especially for our kids. God has designed men and women such that when they increasingly share their hearts and experiences with each other, they’re supposed to end in a one flesh relationship (Gen 2:18-25; 1 Cor 7:1-2). So if one is unable or unwilling to leave and cleave, why toy with being one flesh?
When teens engage in exclusive, intense, and all consuming relationships, we should not be surprised when they come home and say that they’re in love – that’s a design feature! Parents make a big mistake when they tell their kids that they’re too young to be in love. The problem is not that a teen’s love is insincere or weak – but rather it’s the wrong type. Because until and unless one is ready to forsake all others and permanently join to another, they cannot love as God designed them to love; that is, the kind of love that promotes one flesh. A young man cannot die for his teenage love or present her as holy and blameless if he physically engages her without leaving and cleaving (Eph 5:23-33). Nor can a young woman respect her teenage love in a one flesh way while she lives under the authority of her parents (Eph 5:22, 33).
I’m often asked how I can expect teens to wait until they’re older in order to date. The question has an unbiblical premise in that it assumes that as soon as we begin to have feelings for the opposite sex, we should impulsively act on them. We’ve all seen Uncle Bernie or Grandma Wilson harass the kids at Thanksgiving dinner over whether they have a boy friend or girl friend. The Bible tells us that as recipients of the Holy Spirit we’re to exhibit self-control (Gal 5:22-23); we’re not bound by our impulses but we’re to bring every though captive to Christ (2 Cor 10:5; Eph 2:1-3).
One day I asked our youth group how many of them want their parents to pick out their spouse for them. Nobody raised their hand (big surprise!). Then I asked them how many would like to be tried on like a shirt from Wal-Mart and put back on the rack. Again, nobody raised their hand. They easily saw that arranged marriages weren’t for them and understood the basic flaw with our retail dating scene. So what’s the solution? The optimal approach is to establish friendships with groups of teens - guys and gals alike, and not engage in exclusive, intense, and all consuming relationships with the opposite sex – until you’re ready and willing to leave and cleave.
How many times have you heard it said, “But it worked for that couple…” This is the classic ends justifying the means scenario. There are many times in life and in the Bible when bad decisions seem to work out well, even when God’s Word explicitly says they’re wrong or unwise. The reality is that when God allows things to conflict with wisdom or righteousness, it’s an expression of His right to be God and not His approval.
Inevitably, people will ask what is the proper age to start dating; is it alright to attend the school dance; can we hold hands…? The questions are endless. The goal should never be to establish a law for righteousness sake, because it can’t change our hearts (Gal 2:21; Col 2:23). Rather, we need to think about God’s design for relationships and help parents and kids to wrestle with how to visibly show Christ in a fallen world.
Looking ridiculous,
Pastor Hirsch